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11/06: Lemony Snicket's A Series Of Unfortunate Events12/04: O Henry's The Gift Of The Magi
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Colin Winnette, The Tin Man:"Dotty was no saint, and I should have seen it coming. When I met her, she was traveling around with a pack of wild thugs, dumb cowards she dragged around to feed her insatiable lust. She kept a dog in tow too, which I still can't quite stomach. But that was the thing about her: she was unpredictable. Unpredictable and alive and loose."
Maggie Tokuda-Hall, Allie (Catcher in the Rye):"Allie was pleased to find that being a zombie was way better than having leukemia. Once the owner of a full and functional brain, he soon disocvered that eating them was not only easier, but also far more satisfying than doing his homework."
Carolyn Ho, Nick Carraway:
"I continue to fantasize chance encounters near the bathroom among his hand towels and miniature soaps and gilded faucets, grinding along on his tailored suits and shimmering ascots, or in the pool, yes the pool, which was so like the ocean and maybe I could swim naked, an elaborate backstroke with my penis floating left then right, waving to him, I continue thinking of the pool, and how the dramatics of the world required much maintenance, much plotting, and I was no exception. At some point, Jordan finds me engulfed by the view of the ocean from the balcony. She smiles as she hands me a flute of champagne, and asks, "Finally having a gay time are we?" And I was. Certainly. With thoughts of Gatsby I felt every pubic hair stand straight up, heightened by mere mention of his name, "Indeed” I say. The future seemed orgasmic and stretched out like refractions of light from a place that could never be touched or held, and immediately asked for more champagne, endless champagne."
Lauren Traetto, Gandalf:
"This isn’t my first dwarf-hobbit orgy; often have I written “secret glyphs” on the door to Bilbo’s “hobbit hole” using my “magic staff,” then watched the dwarves pile up."
Lauren Gallagher, The Cowardly Lion:
""Name please?" said a woman in a coyote suit.
"Maximilion Clawbite," said the Cowardly Lion, in his deepest, gruffiest voice.
"OH! You! Your fursona was too long for our nametags, but here, welcome to Furry Fetish Forever's 12th Annual Convention.
The Cowardly Lion took his nametag that said 'Maxi' and sighed."
Alan Leggitt, The Oompas:
"'Twas a routine voyage around the Pink Bertha, the finest candied ship to sail the chocolate rivers. My crew: one hundred stalwart Oompa Loompa men and women, trained to row as one, despite their penchant for uncontrollable giggling. Our mission: to sail to the distant Rock Candy Mines, to claim a booty in the name of Willy Wonka."
Sarah Griff, Doctor T. J. Eckleberg:
"Eckleberg was so utterly done with presiding constantly over the endless debauchery of the Jazz Age, as the sun melted into the West Egg...but what could he do? He was merely a billboard with a pair of steel moon-shaped glasses affixed, permanently austere. The long, taut steel legs beneath him would not move, for he did not have any knees to walk with."
Spencer Bainbridge, Delbert Grady (The Shining):
"But remember,if you do your vocation well
Carnal delights lurk around this hotel
And if you see alady in a tub in her bedroom
Remember this fact: her safeword is REDRUM"
Seanan McGuire, Jay Gatsby:
"No matter how many high-class whores and wild-eyed youngest daughters he brought into his bedroom—or into his hotel suites, rather, for the bedroom was reserved, ever reserved, for the gloriously golden fantasy who had long since claimed her marital privileges, if only in his dreams—Jay Gatsby never learned to fuck like old money."
Nate Waggoner, Holden Caulfield:
""My uncle had to have both his knees replaced after a treadmill accident," said the tall one. It must have had something to do with a previous conversation. "So now he has these faux knees."
What was the word for these people? Charlatans? Impostors? Frauds? I was going just about half crazy trying to remember it.
"Ugh, my battery's almost dead," the princess says, looking down at the weird little white screen she kept banging away at with her fingernails all night. "This place is really not meeting my phone needs."
They were a real bunch of ... Boy, I just couldn't think of it. Pretenders? Impersonators?"
Heather Donahue, Fezziwig (A Christmas Carol):
"Miss Tuggensuckle had been in Fezziwig's employ for nigh upon a dozen years. Her exuberant worship at Eros' alter assured her a generous income and constant friendship with Mr. And Mrs. Fezziwig both. Coming upon her 36th year, she continued to come upon much else and to ever so generously have much else come upon her. Even her hair was possessed of an easy laugh; her brown ringlet curls were the perfect accent to her universal roundness. Press upon her and bear witness to a depression short-lived."